I continued my morning ritual and try to finish my make-up; I turned to look at the cupboard drawer and somehow felt a sad pang of reality hit me. We’re growing old, and somehow we’re growing apart.

That cupboard drawer, long before it became the house of those old mails and bills, was where my mom placed the family’s toiletries. A big container of baby powder, a large bottle of baby cologne, a box of combs and hair brushes and a shared bottle of isoprophyl alcohol. My sisters and I share the same baby powder, the same scent of baby cologne, we used the same combs not minding if we are sharing lice or whatever bacteria we can get from each other’s head.

 We belong to one family, and that cupboard proved us that.

 My sisters and I used to scramble in front of the cupboard. We’ll put powder on each other’s face, spray cologne on each other’s neck and ask who smells better, despite of we’re using the same spray. The toiletries in it were always in a mess, and my mom would always scold us. We would giggle in a corner while listening to her sermon, with baby powder on our face.

 We are all grown ups now. I no longer uses baby powder, instead talc powder or pressed foundation for my face. My sisters uses a different brand too, and she keeps her toiletries in a separate place, and I do the same too. The cupboard eventually emptied out, the empty containers were no longer refilled. Nobody uses the same cologne anymore, not wanting to share the same scents with everyone. Now, a stack of old mails and bills occupy the empty space of the cupboard. It sat there, unharmed, untouched.

 I appreciate the fact that I can buy my own talc powder now, and I am using a high-end brand of pressed foundation, or a costlier scent of perfume, but there are times that I start to miss the old times. The innocence of the past. The giggles. The laughters. The scent of baby cologne we used to share.

 There are times now that everything almost has a price, I cannot just used my sister’s cologne, and she cannot use my powder too just like that. Nobody else ever stands in front of the cupboard for the reason we had before. That cupboard already  belongs to the envelope of bills and mails.

 The large container of baby powder and that bottle of cologne was no longer there, but the cupboard stays, reminding of the simple past we had. We can no longer giggle in front of the cupboard; we’re all grown ups now. But I’ll content myself remembering the memories. Those memories that tell me that for once, we shared the same cupboard.

Would you choose to live your life forever loving someone, and living your life knowing it will never end? Would you commit more mistakes knowing you have forever to correct it? Or there would be lesser mistakes, because you will no longer seize the moment life brings you knowing you have other chances to do what you want? There could be lesser adventure, and more opportunities you choose to let go of.

Would you enjoy to live forever, growing old but without the fear of dying? Would it be fun to age and watch your body deteriorate, your memory fading moment by moment and everything you had seemed to fade away but your body is still alive, your face changing from your supple skin to your dry, saggy covering? Would you choose to live forever and watch the world suffer, and experience living in a crowded, over populated town? Or would you rather choose to have your life stop at a certain age and live it never ending?

What age would you rather have your life stop and live it forever? Would it be fun to stop aging at 20 and never know what would happen if you age 30, or stop your life at 30 and never experience how it is to live a life at 40, 50 or even at 60? Would it be wonderful to be 25 forever, doing the same things infinitely? Will there still be fun hanging around with your friends, not anticipating for a friendship you can share until you grow old? Will there be joy in enjoying the sun crisping your skin, wearing different bikinis, being forever conscious with how you look? What’s fascinating with attending to your office duties and not looking forward to retirement years?

There is no such thing as forever, and I am somehow relieved that I only have a lifetime to do everything I want. I enjoy the chance to wake up each morning with the determination to take each opportunity as it comes my way. I would love to treasure each day as it comes, knowing the risks that I may not have another one. Forever does not exist, but today does, and I hope tomorrow will come too. I may not be able to do everything I want in this lifetime, but I can select the best things that can happen in my life.

I don’t want to live my life on earth forever. . I want to meet my Supreme Being, my Savior, my creator. Forever does not exist here on earth, but in His hands I know, infinite and outpouring love does exists.

Thanks to my family who stayed with me, fought my battles with me, who loves me for what I am, and for all that I will be. Thanks to my friends, real and so-called ones.

To the friends who understand me, and remain with me despite of my weaknesses, stubborness, and of course my being a bitch.

Thanks to those who turned their back, for you help me value more those who are with me, and aid new spaces for new ones.

Thanks to my new found friends, who add a different joy to my simple life.

Nobody knows what this year will bring me, but with a family, friends and God like mine, I know my life will never go wrong. He already gave me a wonderful brand new start for this year, and I cannot wait to enjoy the rest of my 30th year.

So, what’s in store for 2012? How was 2011?

Career.
2011. Being in a company, which has been in the business for more than 50 years, I really had a stable working status. Last year was pretty good. One of the most tension less years. But of course, career doesn’t end in the four corners of our office, and don’t assume I am talking about that. Only that. My jewelry business didn’t flourish, basically because of my laziness. Yeah, blame it on me. My perfume oils was not prepared too, basically because I suck in finishing what I started.

2012. I am still here in the company, and I am looking forward for more exciting tasks this year. We will be having two projects for television ads, and I love the production side of it. Will get to see the behind the scenes of TVC production, and not to mention, eat sumptous meals while doing it. That’s the joy of it.
I am relaunching my jewelry and perfume business too. I think January is the best time to start it off. I am pretty confident I can do it this time.

Health.
2011. It wasn’t the best year for my health – was rushed in the emergency room twice last year. The first one was, I rushed myself to Makati Medical Center. Yeah, I rushed MYSELF. It was one of the most traumatic experience I ever had.  For the first time, I had to undergo a number of laboratory examinations and CT scan procedure to ensure that the diagnosis are accurate, and so proper medication can be administered. I went through months of medication, and actually until now I am still taking my medicines regularly.

2012 . I am pretty positive that this year will be a healthier one. In a few months I will be undergoing another CT Scan procedure to see if my body is healthier and if I can stop my medications altogether. I will focus more on my body, will try to gain some weight, will drink more vitamins and will try to sleep on time.

I want to go back to fitness gym to enroll in weight gain program. I did it a couple of years ago, and it did me good.

Money.
2011. Not too bad. Was able to pay my dues, but I had my phone line cut, twice. But it was reconnected immediately. Yeah, that’s why, it wasn’t too bad.

2012. I will try to save more this year. Try. That’s the word.

Travel / Leisure.
2011. One of the most travelled year of my life. Was able to visit Vigan, Laoag, Pagudpud, Tagaytay, Laguna, and Subic. We were supposed to visit Corregidor and Enchanted Kingdom, but my health issues got in the way, so, we had to cancel all those trips. But really, my Ilocos Norte tour was the best, ever, yet.

2012. I already made plans with my friends to visit Singapore this year, despite of the fact that I don’t have a passport yet. I intend to save more this year, to be able to find funds for my newest love – travelling.

Lovelife.
2011. There’s nothing much about this topic, 365 days were spent in waiting. Waiting. Waiting. And. Waiting. One of the most useless years of my life. I waited for someone to reappear in my life, after believing him that he will never hurt me, oh well, promises are made to be broken. I should have known, right? I’ve been to different awkward moments too – befriending the ex, and answering questions about someone who distanced himself even to me. And of course, who could beat the shittest, most bullshit moment? Being greeted with the same person, and being asked “How are you?”

2012. Enough of the waiting stint. A year was enough to prove my point how patient and kindhearted I am. This year is meant to moving up, letting go and not looking back. This is going to be tough, I know. I mean, how easy can it be to forget someone whom you cared for, for almost 4 years? How easy will it be to let go of those fancy memories you shared together? It will never be easy, I know, but I am more than determined to do it than I did before. I came to realization. Who needs someone who will just ignore your greetings, wall posts, text messages, private messages or even your mere existence, and then after 11 months of doing that nonsensical things, will greet ask, “How are you?” Oh, I am sorry, but I really cannot move on from that insanely stupid moment. Anyway, let’s not dwell on that. After all, I answered him, beaming, with “I am okay.” So, expect a happier me this 2012.

And who knows? I might have a better lovelife this year, with a new person, of course. Gees.

So, how will I start changing my 2012, so it won’t suffer the same sarcasm it experienced with 2011?

I will change my blog goes. There will be lesser drama, or maybe more of it, but in a good way. Drama in a way that readers can relate to, and somehow ponder on. I will try to post better entries, so you won’t feel so low whenever you read my blog entries.

I already changed my blog theme, and the changes in my entry is coming soon.

Thank you for staying with me through the rough year that was, and I hope to share happy days with you for the years to come!

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Syndey Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 18,000 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 7 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

Posted by Wordmobi

Posted by Wordmobi

Posted by Wordmobi

5…

4…

3…

2…

…I saw you looking back at me. My breath stopped, when you said your simple greet, and I mumbled my “Hi.” We were walking towards different directions, I kept on walking, and you didn’t slow your pace. We were almost side-by-side when I heard you asked, “Kumusta ka na?” You never stopped on your tracks; I was almost behind you and though it seems like I am talking to an empty air, I answered, quivering, “Eto, okay lang.” I wanted to stop and ask you the same, but when I looked back, you were few meters away from me. You were looking ahead, stepping forward to where you are supposed to go. I felt my heart break a little, seeing you moving on, away from me.

I went on my way, repeating the words in my head, “Eto okay lang, okay lang, okay lang…Okay…” I tried to repeat the words, hoping its echo will turn it to reality. I don’t know if you notice the tremble in my voice, the unsure sound of it, the fading question mark at the end of it. The sound of a phrase meant to ask – am I okay?

But then, don’t you find it odd that you actually asked me “Kumusta ka na?” (“How are you?”) It’s ridiculously funny that you asked me such question after leaving me, hanging for almost 11 months. It’s awfully funny that you actually asked me that generic yet trigger-happy-greeting after not returning any of my texts messages, ignoring my post on your wall, my private messages, and my invitation to my birthday celebration – you practically made me non-existent in your life. So, why are you asking me how I am? After choosing your pride, your fear of rejection over me you even have the nerve to ask me, “Kumusta ka na?” I wonder what made you think you can just shrug off everything like it never happened. Where do you get the magic potion that feeds on your being, as an asshole to make you think the world revolves around you? How could you even think to ask such question, to sound like you care? I felt bad that you find it okay to ask me such, thinking I never felt bad about what happened. How could you think that I don’t have the heart? How could I have fallen in love with someone, like you, who doesn’t even have a heart to care how I really feel? I wonder what answer did you expect to hear from such question. Hearing your question is as heartbreaking as not hearing from you for every text messages I sent.

I guess, we are the same. Why on earth did I answer “Eto, okay lang” when in fact, right at that moment each pieces of my heart is breaking? Or maybe it’s now a new term to describe an anatomical phenomena.

I tried to hide in the word “Okay” everything I had to go through for 11 months. The ordeal of not hearing from you, and being friends with your ex, of trying to move on while everyone who had a hint about us would ask me how you are. I am okay, because I had to make you think I am still okay despite of everything you put me through. I had to convince myself that I am still okay despite of you treating me like my emotions doesn’t matter. I had to be okay, because I will never have the chance to tell you that I am not really okay. I had to be okay, because nobody else can make me okay.

Of course, I don’t want to ruin the situation by being sarcastic and dwell on the hurtful side of it, I must admit what you did made me glad. I am happy that you greeted me first, I am happy that you took time to greet me and ask me how I am. I am happy because I know we’re somehow okay again. The imaginary walls we built against each other suddenly vanished. But then I know, things will never be the same again.

The way you walk past through me after greeting me made me realize how you are trying to impose on me that you don’t care anymore. You used to stop on your tracks and wait for me just to strike a conversation. I felt like I lost a friend. Now it seems like, after acting like strangers, we are now mere acquaintances. Still, it’s painful, but at least it’s a little better now.

I found a different hue of rainbow in its spectrum, with your greeting. I found another beginning, and ending. I found another reason to say, “I am okay,” because I know, you no longer care.

Posted by Wordmobi