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It’ll be December 31, again.

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 It’s the time of the year again when we are somehow felt compelled to start writing resolutions while shunning the old ways of the ending year.

I think I have spent a week thinking about what I could write as a year-end post. Should I talk about leaving the past behind? Or instead focus on correcting the mistakes of the past in the coming year? Are new year and resolutions about simply letting go and conditioning our minds that we can start anew? 

Waking up each day, thinking about what I can do for my 2016, assessing what I really want. What will make me happy? Was I successful in my attempt to do something different for 2015? What are the things that I want to keep for 2016? Do I really have to change myself? Am I contented with how my life is going? In what aspect of my life did I fail?

They say, we should let things go, let people leave if they want to, detach ourselves from things and situations that bring toxics to our lives. They say, some things are meant to end, and we should stop running after people and situations no matter how painful it will be for us. Others talk so much about moving on and letting go. And I refuse to talk in the same voice.

Bolder. Fiercer. I want to be.

In 2016, I’ll dive on newer things, while continuing to do the things that give satisfactions to my life. Fear and inhibitions should no longer be part of my vocabulary. I’ll continue going after what I want, doing things that make me happy, still taking in to consideration the limitations, but not totally limiting myself.

2015 allowed me to try different things, go to events and places I didn’t imagine, made me believe in my ability better. I found a certain strength in me that I thought I lost somewhere in my life journey. I was able to face my emotional biggest fear, and I congratulated myself for that – tho I didn’t exactly succeed.

There were failures, but I have no regrets. I learned from these failures and I promise to correct it for 2016.

The ending year taught me a lot about ambitions, about people, about happiness, about life. It made me realized that some failures were my own fault, and my lack of ability to be braver for my wants and needs.

This year, 2016. I’ll be bolder. Fiercer. Fearless. 

I might fail again, but who cares but me. And I actually don’t care. 

I will get hurt, again, I am sure. But, at least, I ran after what I want. 

I will be frightened again, but I’ll make sure to fight my fear with hunger for success and knowledge.

I am not quitting on people and things. I am not simply giving up on getting what I want because I failed once. What’s the point of learning from our mistakes if we’ll not do anything to improve on our lives? 

I’ll be fearless to let people and things go, but I will not be afraid to hold on to them if I have to.

For everyone who failed in 2015, let’s not let our failures stop us this 2016. We can do better.

This 2016. Let’s be bolder. Fiercer. And fearless.

Cheers!

My Own Richard Parker.

At one point, Life of Pi became a significant part of my memory, for a reason I cannot fully disclose. However, I didn’t realize how the story will turn out to be relevant in my own experience.

The story talks about Pi and Richard Parker, the tiger. In Pi’s struggle to survive in the middle of the ocean, against hunger and natural calamities, and of Richard Parker’s fierce nature, he found a companion in Parker.

The tiger helped him survive, in a sense that it helped to keep him on his toes. He found a reason to strive harder, he found someone to push him to go on, he found a friend in Parker.

Sadly, Richard Parker had to leave him. Without bidding goodbye.

I guess, I must say I found my Richard Parker. Someone who helped me get through the turbulent wind, the stormy sea of my life, the dark clouds of my future, my hunger and thirst for a good companionship, someone who helped me to make it through the irrecoverable pain. The Richard Parker who helped me see my value, my purpose, and realize what I can and cannot do.

My Richard Parker, just like in the book and the movie, left me without any goodbye.

Like Pi, his unceremonious departure breaks my heart. I don’t think I’ll ever see my Richard Parker again. I guess, like Pi, I just have to accept that I’ll be spending the rest of my days without the company and friendship of my Richard Parker.

I will miss my Richard Parker. But I know, this must be goodbye.

Today.

If I had realized what I really feel, would today could have been better?
If I had accepted that I should give in, would things could have changed?
I don’t know. Maybe yes. Maybe no.
But all I know is that, I am feeling better each day. I cannot change the past, but I can alter tomorrow.
I am doing what I think is right.
Whatever the sign is telling me now, I’m taking it as a “go”.
There is no running from what I feel. Running with fear.
I know what I feel now.
I am done with acceptance.
This time. This is the time.

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Options. Zero

Moving away. Trying to detach myself. I am not so good at it, or maybe I’m afraid that my mastery of such skill will automatically shut people off my life.

I am boasting with fears.

But then, I know I have to give in. For once. Let me give in. Am I bound to fail? Should I give up again?

Questions. Doubts. Self-doubt. It kills me.

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Do You See What I See?

It’s taking me forever to process some emotions. I’m such a slow.

After disturbing God with all my prayers of signs, I think He sent me another sets of directions. It’s just, my cowardice attacked again.

I need another one HUGE SIGN, so as not to confuse me, to redirect my direction. And I hope as the sign distract my solitude, the road is paved for me.

So, YES. Heaven, please send me a HUGE sign (something in red cape and blue tightsuit with an S on the chest would be wonderful!), I’m getting lost.

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In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take, relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make.

Which is worse, hurting someone without you knowing it, or being hurt by someone without them knowing it?

Which is harder, holding on to your feelings to save everything you can even it’s hurting you, or letting go of your feelings to save yourself even it’s hurting you?

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